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maddhatter419

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July 8th, 2004

10 Days With My Baby!

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See you all in 10 days! I'm on vacation with Aaron in Lake George!
It is going to be the best fucking time ever.

June 23rd, 2004

No School = Happiness

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It's been a few days since I have written in here...And guess what?SCHOOL IS OVER!!! So much stress is gone. Finals are done and I did very well this year, and it is all over.
Let's see...What have I done since school has been out.
Friday I went home, slept, babysat, and then went to see Harry Potter with Aaron.
Saturday I got my hair done, went shopping with my mom, went to the battle of the bands for awhile...Back to my house with Aaron.
Sunday I had to work for 8 hours! Yuck! And when I got home my mom told me I couldn't do anything, which sucked but I at least got time to relax.
Monday, Aaron and I went out for the day so I could get stuff for my trip to Maryland. Then we both had to work. After that we both went to Christina's and we watched Mystic River (dumb movie). Then I slept over Christina's house.
Tuesday I left Christina's in the morning and basically was at Aaron's house til he had to go to work. I took a nap and at 6 I had to go to this party for the trip I am going on this weekend. It absolutely sucked.
And today...Aaron just left a little while ago. And I have to work tonight at 3. Yuck.
Tomorrow my mom is being gay and I have to stay home from like 12-2 because the water filter guy is coming. So stupid. She knows I am leaving on Saturday to go to Ridgely and she is making me stay home. Oh well, I'll just have Aaron over.
I almost forgot...From now on my journal entries are friends only...

June 17th, 2004

UnFuckingTitled

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For once I wished things would get resolved. But they aren't.
I went to Aaron's today before my final and I don't think I have ever been that upset. I cried for so frigin long, like an hour and a half. I could not stop myself...I just kept thinking about the most depressing things, and I couldn't turn it off.
So Aaron pretty much just doesn't care about what my last entry was about. He calls it "ridiculous" when to me it isn't. I completely see where he is coming from, it's not like I'm being one sided here. But with recent circumstances and everything that is going on, I cannot agree with him. He fell asleep while I was crying today. If that were him crying I would have been holding him the whole time and trying to make him feel better, but for some reason I don't get the same in return. I just went outside his room and laid down on the floor and cried the whole time.
I could not believe him today. He obviously saw how upset I was, he obviously knew I am very bothered by what happened...Yet, he still only tried to justify his actions...Not make me feel better. Yea, I got the "what can I do to make up for it" question, but how the hell do I know the answer to that? I can't tell you what to do to make up for your mistakes. Wait, you don't think it's a mistake even though I practically wanted to kill myself today (not really, I am exaggerating).
If only he agreed with me and gave me a heartfelt apology...Then I would be okay. But it's too late for that now. I already know he isn't sorry and I know he doesn't agree with me that he shouldn't have done it.
All I want to do it yell at him for how stupid he is. But I won't because that won't do either of us any good. I try to talk to him about it, but somehow I can never make my point before we are talking about something else.
Question time: Why else would she ask for that if she didn't want you? Why can't you try and help me for once? Are you purposely trying to sabotage us (because subconsciously you are)? How did things get so fucked up between us? When are we going to get better? Why don't you care when you see how much pain I am in? Will you stop saying "I'm sorry" when you don't mean it? Will you stop making things worse? Will you please stop making me cry?

June 16th, 2004

The little trust that Aaron had gained back is entirely gone. I won't put what he did in here because I don't know if it will bother him or not if people know. See Aaron? All you have to do is take those 5 extra seconds and ask yourself "Will this bother Laura?" And if there is any doubt in your mind DON'T FUCKING DO IT until you ask! I am really bothered by this, more like extremely bothered. I wouldn't just send guys those things without asking you.
You totally just brushed it off like it was no big deal. Empty "I'm sorrys" and no proof that it will "never happen again." I think you knew it would bother me, but just never thought I would find out. You are seriously challenged if, especially what only happened 2 weeks ago, you thought in anyway, shape, or form that this would be okay with me. Common sense tells you that if you cheated on me, and we are no closer to getting over it than when we were when you first told me, you shouldn't make it appear in anyway that you might be cheating on me. That was all I could think of when I saw that. And I don't care where ever the hell she lives, the fact is, you weren't thinking of me when you did it.
At any other time, I most likely would have been okay with this. Just asked you not to do it again, or at least ask me before you do it. BUT considering I still cry every fucking day from what you did, it bothers me just a little that you are involved with someone else, despite it being online.
I am so disappointed in you...I feel the same way right now as the night you told me about Monika. Just one little thing like that can make everything resurface again...Which is something I would have thought you know well. But apparently not. You obviously don't understand how much I am hurting and how badly I want it to go away. But when you do something like this, however insignificant it is to you, my pain is never going to go away.
Through all this sadness I am extremely angry at you. When I asked you about it all you did was try to justify it...Not make me feel better about it ONCE AGAIN. Your justifications didn't tell me the real reasons why you did it or why you made it seem like it was no big deal, even when I started crying. My heart physically hurts right now, and you won't even notice...Because you think just because you tell me "I won't ever do it again" means something to me. You already did it...You already hurt me. You can't take it back and I don't know how you can fix it. My hope is dangling by a thread right now...And YOU are the only one who can decides if it snaps.

June 13th, 2004

No Relief

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So basically if I had it my way, right about now I would just stay in my room forever. I cannot deal right now...
It's bad enough that I have school, and a job, and a boyfriend, and now finals coming up this week. BUT my mom offers me no support whatsoever. And then she yells at me for like an hour today about how I give nothing back to her...Maybe it's because at the end of the day I have NOTHING to give. I just want the entire world to go away. I'm so tired of crying because I am so drained and expected to keep giving out more. I agree that with my mother I have fallen behind, but she should understand. Whenever she has a bad week at work, or even a bad month I know that I should be as helpful as I can...But when my month has been absolute hell she doesn't help, let alone notice.
My stress level could not be any higher right now. My body is constantly tense, constantly tired. I can't tell you the last time I've slept more than 9 hours. I used to sleep for 14 hours on the weekends...And I felt good. This shit is ridiculous. I just cannot wait to get out of school, even though I will have 2 jobs. But anything is better than what it is now. I have fucking finals this week and I am working 2 out of the 4 nights...Just great.
I feel depressed, which to me is the scariest thought in the world. I was depressed for longer than anyone can ever know, 3 fucking years. I never want to go back to that...But after everyday goes by I see my happiness fleeting farther and farther away. Every night before I go to bed I think about how badly I do not want to wake up in the morning...And when I do wake up I only find that nothing is getting better.

June 8th, 2004

I don't really have anywhere to start and I don't have too much to say, but I have some free time so updating is shall be.
Sunday = working = sucked. But after work I went to Aaron's house! Yay! Then did my homework til very late at night...
Yesterday was a normal day at school. I was wicked excited though, when I was about to get on my bus, Aaron was there! He came to get me =) That made me very happy. Went back to my house, then I went to work. It was a great time...NOT SO MUCH. There are never enough people to help on front counter, and there were so many customers yesterday. I could have died, literally.
Today was much better. I actually woke up this morning and I wasn't too tired. My mom gave me a ride in, and school was so easy. No homework for Laura tonight! And the best news of the entire day was that my mom let me go out tonight! I went to Aaron's to go swimming, cause it was so fucking hot today.
So!...Aaron and I are doing much better. A lot of the times we are together I just forget about the whole Monika incident, sometimes not...But usually. I hope things go back to the way they used to be soon, which it seems it is already well on its way to becoming.
So that has been my last 3 days...Now I am off to enjoy my free time!

June 5th, 2004

A Day To Remember

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Today I was with Aaron from 6:30 this morning until about a half an hour ago. I had a really great day today. Except for SATs, but at least Aaron was in my room.
After SATs we went to Greendale...Then decided to go to Natick, my favorite place in the entire world. I got a ton of stuff there, and Aaron tricked me and he ended up paying for it all (thank you baby). Then we went mini-golfing, I finally won for once! After that, we went to blockbuster for movies so we could watch them at my house.
He and I talked about a lot of what is bothering him. He never tells me what is wrong. I was so glad he did, despite that it was concerning, to say the least. But I would rather know what is bothering him than just guess, because I assume the worst anyways.
For almost all of the day I forgot that he and I have issues. It was nice to just sit back, forget about it all, and have fun. I think today was important for Aaron and I...We got to spend all that time together, talk about what is wrong, and just be close. I wish he was still here...
Tomorrow I have to work, unfortunately. After that I am going to try and get out to Aaron's house, but I don't know if the mother unit will let me. She better since I can't do anything on fucking school nights anymore. Not that it really matters, because I'll just leave school early if I want to do something. So therefore, my mom's rules just cause me to do the exact opposite of what she wants...Miss out in school in one way or another. Oh well, I'm not going to be trapped in the house all week...At least not this week. I only have one more week until fucking finals where I lock myself up in my room for 12 hours at a time studying. Ah, I am freaking out about them already...
It is 11:30 and I actually want to try and catch up on sleep since I have to get up at 9. I love you all and goodnight.

June 4th, 2004

GOING TO BED

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Today was a really really good day. Despite the final I had to take first period today, things in school we're fine.
Aaron came and picked me up and we chilled for like an hour...It was good, I got much need Aaron time.
Then I had to babysit, wasn't too bad this time. There were no heaving objects flying at my head...He just wanted to eat food and then more food so I was basically cooking the whole time.
THEN IT WAS HARRY POTTER! That movie like made my life. Frank and I had a rocking good time! I had so much fun, not just cause it was Harry Potter, but because Frank and I got to chill.
I would update more...BUT I AM FUCKING TIRED. And I have to get up wicked early tomorrow for SATs god dammit! But Aaron and I are hanging out like ALL day tomorrow =) Should be good, we'll see.

June 3rd, 2004

Receding into the ominous corner she screams,
Psychotic incoherencies escape her paranoia,
As her mental infection continues to spread...
And these inconspicuous discrepancies,
Continue in their struggle to be heard,
In this mute world of ambiguous senselessness...
Neglections push her harder,
And further into her mind of conflicting ideas,
Where her ever-present rejections dwell...
Behind the weeping eyes in her reflection,
Entirely fabricated words escape her mouth,
Hidden deep within the contentious monotony...
Decaying memories are just moments away,
Cancer's face unveils himself in the distance,
Forget the distorted images of this day...
Sincere apologies sealed in a smile of guilt,
Unable to comprehend what lies beneath the exterior,
Futile efforts lead to exhaustion...
Stranded with undermining criticism,
Caution is never carefully placed,
She stumbles in the foreboding deception...
Commitments broken and promises incomplete,
Imperfections rise to the surface to remain,
The perpetual illusions are clear in his eyes...
Dismal disasters design her insecurities,
One last attempt to salvage her heart,
The disappointments continue to control her life...
Aaron cheating on me has affected me more than I believed it would. I have been crying off and on for the past 2 days. I don't really even know what I am crying about, there is nothing in particular that has been bothering me. Like I wasn't even thinking about the cheating thing and I just started crying, for no reason. Nothing else is wrong though right now that would make me react that way except for Aaron...So I am assuming that is why I haven't been too happy lately. The cheating issue really didn't bother me the day after he told me, it really didn't. Maybe it just needed time to sink in or something, I don't know. But whenever I talk to him or whenever I see him I just want to cry, or actually cry. But I want to talk to him and be around him at the same time because it makes me feel better (if that makes any sense). I feel more at peace when he is around, which is probably actually why I cry.
I don't think I can get through this one by myself. No, I definately cannot get through this by myself. This feeling is awful, it's something I have never had to deal with before...I've never been cheated on. Now that my clean record has been thrown away, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can get through this. This hurts way too much right now.
Aaron, I just wanted you to love me...And you couldn't even do that.
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